Appreciate what you DO have...

This time of the year, Mothers Day is and had been the hardest time of the year for me. It's that time of the year I go quiet and my eyes randomly leak. It's the time I hurt most and in the past I have hurt inside and out, often attacking myself or going above and beyond to distract myself. Especially working in retail and seeing so much love being spread. But this year was different, I still hurt and had a moment of uncontrollable emotions. I was driving home past all these pop up flower stalls, watching kids walk back to their car with smiles as they carried flowers in their arms, I smiled at their happiness and then broke. I balled my eyes out and wished I could do the same, I wished my mum didn't hate me, I questioned why? I broke down. Short lived, I wasn't going to let this consume me like it previously had, I am stronger than that now and I actually spent this year for the first time in nearly 10 years appreciating what I do have rather than what I don't.

I focused my attention to those who deserve it, I posted a very meaningful message for my step mum and my mother in law. Two amazing woman who have accepted me as their own and looked out for me regardless of my mistakes and my faults. Two women who are there for me and expect nothing in return. We also took my mother in law up to the Blue Mountains to see the glow worms and shared a beautiful day as a family sight seeing. Something we have never really done in the 9.5 years I've been living here. 

I even made sure I sent my own mum a message wishing her a happy mothers day. Unfortunately my mother and I do not speak anymore. She had completely disowned me after I published my blog 'I'm not depressed, I'm just messed up'. The release of that blog pushed her to a point of hate and disappointment deciding I was nothing more to her than an attention seeking liar. I guess she didn't want my feelings and my story out there and only took her involvement to heart and didn't read the part where I even shared problems caused by own husband and my own actions and the part I said I wouldn't change a thing... Once again making my story about her. As soon as I was aware she was hurt by this article I tried to talk to her about it but she didn't want to listen. When I said I had helped many of you, who had messaged me instantly with your own stories and appreciation of mine, I was now an attention seeker who cared more about strangers than her. I helped you, it helped me, I never named her and everyone close knows the situation anyway. But that was the final straw in her books and she was done with me. 

To be honest I was a wreck when this all unfolded mid January... But after a couple of weeks I became the best person I have in years, I finally let go. I felt free. I had spent 9 years seeking her approval, I had spent 9 years trying to make her proud just to hear the words. I just wanted to be loved by my mum. I wanted my best friend back, I wanted my family... But I couldn't keep trying, I was destroying myself trying to please others, and "prove" myself. I was wasting my time on someone who couldn't even give me a minute of theirs. But now, I was finally free. I didn't have to have her approval anymore, I didn't need her, I wanted her but we don't always get what we want. This was a major turning point in my life and my depression. 

I was free...  

I smiled again!

I laughed! I achieved things and didn't want to call her to tell her, I was proud of myself! I approved of my own life, I began to love myself! And things really changed. Almost instantly! 

My photography changed...

My goals changed...

My relationship changed... I changed! All for the better...

And I'm not talking little changes, big ones! I laughed again! I truly laughed and smiled. My depressive, emotionless numb auto pilot mode was switched off and I was living my life, feeling emotions, feeling happiness, feeling proud and accomplished! I can actually talk to people again, I look people in the eyes again, I stand proud, I speak with confidence and feel amazing! 

Rather than have expectations I developed an acceptance. I accepted my life  who I am and what has happened. Acceptance is huge! It doesn't mean you have to like the situation but accepting it will honestly help! 

Moments in our life shape who are, they make us unique. We should be proud of who we are, what we've done, what we've been through and where we are going. You don't need anyone else's approval.

Still to this day I would not change a single thing that has happened in my life. Everything has happened for a reason, it has made me who I am today. And I love who I am, and who I am becoming... 

All too often we judge ourselves and are highly influenced by others and their opinions of us. We judge ourselves off what others will think which in turn shapes our lives and our decisions. We try to impress others. Why? Who friggin' knows. That's just the society we live in, we want to fit in, we want to be accepted and are afraid to be different, we are afraid to be unique. And we are often down and depressed comparing our lives to others. We don't appreciate what we have...we don't approve of ourselves and seek approval from others. 

But to be truly happy within yourself you need to accept yourself. You need to believe in yourself and embrace the honest fact that you are allowed to be different. You are not perfect, you are allowed to make mistakes. We are only human, everyone makes mistakes! You don't have to be accepted and you don't need any one else's approval IF you love and approve of yourself. 

I am still not 100% there yet and do still have my bad days, but in 6 months I've gone from 4 bad days a week to maybe 1 a fortnight if that! I have seriously changed for the better and it all came down to my own thoughts of myself. And a few people have helped me realise that, so thank you! You know who you are... 

IT'S OK TO BE DIFFERENT!

- BE UNIQUE -

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF...